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Miss Manners: Entertaining is not the only currency of friendship

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  Published in Media and Entertainment on Monday, October 20th 2025 at 18:39 GMT by NJ.com
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Miss Manners, the beloved etiquette authority who has guided Americans through the treacherous waters of social grace for decades, takes a fresh look at what it means to be a true friend in the 21st century. In “Miss Manners: Entertaining Is Not the Only Currency of Friendship,” published on October 5, 2025, the article argues that while hosting a dinner or giving a lavish gift can certainly strengthen bonds, those acts are no longer the sole indicators of friendship. Instead, the author invites readers to consider a wider array of “friendly currencies”—listening, empathy, shared experiences, and honest communication—that keep relationships thriving even when neither party can afford—or has the time for—traditional entertainment.

The Miss Manners Lens

Miss Manners, born Judith Martin, has long championed the idea that “good manners are the best policy.” The article cites several of her most memorable quotes, such as “A good friend is one who knows you when you’re in your element and will still be by your side when you’re in your worst hour.” It explains how Miss Manners has recently published a new chapter in her blog, “The Art of Modern Friendship,” which expands on the notion that friends can be found in subtle everyday moments rather than grand gestures.

The Shift from Entertaining to Supporting

The piece opens with a vignette of a typical suburban gathering: a neighbor hosts a backyard barbecue and expects the same level of hosting in return. “This expectation can create a cycle of performative hospitality that is exhausting and ultimately shallow,” the article notes, referencing a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2019) that found “supportive, low-cost acts of kindness” predict long-term friendship stability more reliably than material exchanges.

Miss Manners’s argument is twofold: first, that the traditional social contract of “host and guest” is no longer realistic for many people, and second, that genuine friendship thrives on reciprocal emotional investment rather than reciprocal financial outlay. She illustrates this with a series of real-life scenarios—an elderly neighbor who can’t afford a home renovation, a young professional who is juggling childcare and a demanding career, and a friend who has just lost a loved one—where small, non-entertaining gestures (a text asking how they’re doing, offering to run an errand, or simply being a sounding board) made far more impact than a costly dinner.

Practical Tips for Everyday Currency

The article lists several practical ways readers can "pay" in the new currency of friendship:

1. Listening without judgment – The article quotes a communication researcher, Dr. Elaine Fisher, who says “Active listening is the most powerful tool in any friendship toolkit.” It encourages readers to put away phones during conversations, maintain eye contact, and paraphrase what the friend says to confirm understanding.

2. Being present – The article references a 2023 survey that found “people who spend 30 minutes of uninterrupted attention in a conversation feel a deeper connection.” Miss Manners suggests scheduling “presence moments” on a shared calendar to avoid missed opportunities.

3. Sharing in the other’s interests – It cites an example of a friend who loves photography. Instead of inviting them to a party, the writer suggests watching a documentary together or attending a local photo exhibit. “You’re showing support for what they care about,” Miss Manners explains.

4. Sending thoughtful, non-monetary gifts – A handwritten note or a recipe card can be more meaningful than an expensive present. The article highlights a case where a friend mailed a hand‑crafted bookmark, sparking a long conversation that deepened their bond.

5. Honest communication about boundaries – Miss Manners emphasizes the importance of clarity: “If you can’t host, don’t say you’ll be ‘waiting’ for a return favor. Just be honest about your limits.” The piece provides sample phrases to help readers navigate such conversations gracefully.

The Digital Dimension

Miss Manners’s advice is not limited to in‑person interactions. The article includes a link to her recent podcast episode, “Friendship in the Digital Age,” where she discusses how texting, social media, and virtual meetups can serve as the new “currency.” She warns against the pitfalls of “digital performativity” (e.g., posting only curated moments of friendship) and instead promotes “authentic engagement” (e.g., commenting on a friend’s post, sharing a personal story, or sending a voice note during a tough day).

The article notes that a 2024 study by the Pew Research Center found “90% of adults use at least one digital platform to maintain friendships.” Miss Manners argues that while digital tools can supplement traditional acts, they cannot replace genuine human touch, especially in crisis moments.

Cultural Context

The piece also explores how different cultures view entertaining and support. It references a 2025 New England cultural study that found “families in the Northeast tend to prioritize collective meals, whereas rural communities often value one‑on‑one support.” Miss Manners points out that in both contexts, the underlying principle is reciprocity, but the expressions of that reciprocity differ.

Conclusion: A Broader Definition of Friendliness

In closing, the article reminds readers that the art of friendship is evolving, and so are the expectations that accompany it. “It’s not about how lavish your dinner is, but how heartfelt your listening is,” Miss Manners writes. The piece urges people to expand their view of “friendly currency” to include the countless small, everyday actions that sustain relationships over time. By valuing presence, empathy, and honest communication, friends can thrive in a world where entertaining, while still appreciated, is no longer the sole cornerstone of lasting bonds.