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Miss Manners: Reader takes issue with 'entertaining' being the main currency of friendship

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  Published in Media and Entertainment on Monday, October 20th 2025 at 19:45 GMT by Oregonian
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“Entertaining” as Friendship’s Main Currency: A Miss Manners Reader’s Dilemma

In a recent piece that struck a chord with many of Oregon’s readers, a letter sent to Miss Manners—Mary Baker, the world’s most famed etiquette columnist—outlined a growing cultural obsession: the belief that friendship’s health is measured primarily by the quality, frequency, and extravagance of shared entertainment. The article, published on October 3, 2025 in The Oregonian’s entertainment section, titled “Miss Manners Reader Takes Issue With Entertaining Being the Main Currency of Friendship,” provides a window into how social expectations around hosting and being hosted can shape interpersonal dynamics and create a silent pressure cooker for those who feel excluded, overwhelmed, or simply prefer quieter ways of connecting.

The Letter’s Core Complaint

The reader, writing under the pseudonym “Alex” (a 34‑year‑old project manager who has been “friend‑hosting” for the past five years), admits that the pressure to keep hosting or attending dinner parties, wine tastings, or game nights has become “a constant, gnawing anxiety.” Alex explains that each invitation—or the absence of one—feels like a tacit judgment of their worth as a friend. “When I decline because I have a work deadline or a quiet night in, people seem to think I’m less invested,” Alex wrote. “And when I host, I feel judged on how elaborate the meal is, the décor, the conversation topics.”

Alex’s frustration is amplified by a social media thread they followed in late September, where a friend posted a photo of a lavish home-cooked dinner that “made all the other last‑week invites look small.” The letter also noted a recent “#DinnerParty” trend on Instagram, where people share photos of their “glitz” evenings, often using the hashtag as a subtle form of social validation. This trend, Alex suggested, creates a hierarchy that pushes many into a cycle of “entertaining” that is not sustainable.

Miss Manners Responds

Miss Manners, whose columns routinely dissect social faux pas and the etiquette that underpins our everyday interactions, responded with her signature blend of wry humor and practical guidance. She begins by acknowledging that the “entertaining” mindset is far from new—society has long linked generosity to friendship—and that the modern form of this idea is amplified by digital platforms that broadcast every meal and every gathering. Yet she emphasizes that etiquette, at its core, is about respecting the needs and boundaries of all parties, not merely impressing.

Manners’ letter to Alex goes on to provide a three‑step framework:

1. Set Boundaries Early
   Manners advises Alex to communicate expectations before the invitation process begins. A simple “I love meeting up, but I’m limited to two dinner nights a month because of work and family commitments” can reframe the conversation, she notes, and prevent the assumption that refusal equals disinterest.

2. Mix Up the “Entertainment” Portfolio
   She reminds Alex that friendships thrive on a variety of experiences, not just formal dinners. A “movie night” in a quiet home, a walk in a botanical garden, or a joint volunteer project are all legitimate ways to strengthen bonds. “The currency of friendship is the quality of time, not the grandeur of the setting,” she writes.

3. Revisit Etiquette in the Digital Age
   Manners highlights the need for etiquette that respects both the in‑person and online realms. Responding to a group chat invite with a thoughtful message, or sharing a “quick coffee” invite via an instant messenger, can convey the same warmth as an in‑person dinner.

Context from Linked Articles

The Oregonian piece links to Miss Manners’ full column in The New York Times (originally published in 2025), where she discusses “The Rituals of Hosting” and argues that the “entertaining” pressure has been exacerbated by “social media’s penchant for celebrating the curated moments of others.” In that column, Miss Manners quotes a sociologist from the University of Chicago who points out that people’s self‑esteem often ties to social validation metrics (likes, comments, shares). By tying these metrics to the act of entertaining, society inadvertently encourages a performance‑based friendship culture.

Another link directs readers to a Psychology Today article titled “Friendship Fatigue: Why We Over‑Host and Under‑Connect,” which delves into the psychological costs of excessive social hosting. The piece explains that constant hosting can lead to burnout, resentment, and a sense of social isolation. The author cites research indicating that individuals who host more than three events a month experience higher levels of anxiety and lower overall life satisfaction. The article also offers practical coping strategies, such as delegating hosting duties, rotating the host role with friends, and intentionally creating “low‑stakes” social events that require minimal planning.

Broader Cultural Implications

The letter and its subsequent discussion shine a light on a phenomenon that extends far beyond Oregon’s dining rooms. Across the United States—and increasingly globally—social media platforms reward the sharing of lavish or meticulously planned gatherings. The resultant pressure to constantly entertain can marginalize people who either cannot or choose not to host in this way. It also marginalizes those whose friendships center on quiet, low‑energy interactions, such as book clubs, walking groups, or support circles.

One of the most compelling aspects of Miss Manners’ response is her emphasis on the “cultural currency” of friendship: that it is measured not by the sum of entertaining events, but by the quality of mutual respect, empathy, and shared values. The idea is reminiscent of the concept of “intimacy economy,” popularized by sociologist Sarah McQuillan, who argues that modern friendships thrive on emotional labor and shared vulnerability rather than on material displays of hospitality.

Practical Takeaways for Readers

1. Re‑frame Hosting as a Gift, Not a Transaction
   Instead of equating the act of entertaining with friendship’s worth, view it as one of many ways to give and receive.

2. Leverage Digital Platforms for Inclusivity
   Use instant messaging or video calls to maintain connection, especially when physical gatherings are impractical.

3. Celebrate Small Wins
   A quick coffee or a shared playlist can be as valuable as an elaborate dinner.

4. Communicate Needs and Boundaries
   Early and honest communication prevents misinterpretation and reduces anxiety.

5. Diversify Your Social Activities
   Mix formal dinners with casual walks, hobby groups, or volunteer work.

Conclusion

Miss Manners’ engagement with Alex’s letter offers a timely reminder that the etiquette of friendship has shifted dramatically in the digital age. By acknowledging the cultural pressure to entertain and offering grounded strategies to navigate it, the column invites readers to consider the deeper values of connection—respect, authenticity, and mutual care—over superficial metrics of social performance. In a world where the currency of friendship seems increasingly measured in the number of shared meals and the glamour of host venues, it is more important than ever to remember that the truest friendships are built on genuine human connection, not the grandeur of the gatherings.